Lyna

2012-01-24T02:14:00.000+08:00

First day of CNY have ended. i missed the days when i go to my grandma house in the early afternoon, dressed up nicely. Going over to her house was one of my usual routine during CNY. Not because of i can collect red packet despite my status. From afar, i can smell her nice soup. She only made this soup once in a year. and not forgetting her bamboo shoot dish. I don like eating it, but i only love hers. because i am always the earliest, She will alway ask me if is nice. She cant taste it because she eats veg food since is the first day of the lunar calendar. She will always asked if the soup is peppery enough, asked if i have enough. I have also become her food taster. Maybe those concern was wat i never see before. I missed her so much. She promised me to make me the soup since the last new year i had with her, she didnt have the strength to make it. But she broke her promise. But this is not the worst. I promise her the next year i will have reunion dinner with her, but she took the chance away. never once in my life i have reunion dinner with her. We both broke our promises. I really missed her so much. and maybe that is the reason why i never wan to celebrate cny again. becos cny is always so painful for me. these are all memories. memories that i held on so tight that it is so painful. it will always remind me of the promises we both made and yet we both cant fulfilled. Though i stil have my brothers, my cousins around. but it has all become so meaningless. if i have a choice, i would want to trade off with her.
I still remember when she found out that i wen to pray grandpa, she was asking me if i will do the same for her, i told her i will. Yet last year i totally forgot about it. Promise that i will made it up to her. Though i know she will understand that i am tied up with work and study now, but i am always reminding myself that is not a reason.

2011-11-18T07:17:00.002+08:00

Been busy with stuff.. Too busy with many things things coming at the same time. New added roles and responsibility in work, embarking into study life again. When people were studying I am busy raising my kids. When people are enjoying patenting life I am starting my studies. Wring timing serious jet lag. It will be tough but got to hang on to it. A lot if my friends started their parenthood laterly. The feelings are mixed when I see mine. I was really excited when one of my close sec friend gave birth. I guess everyone is trying hard to adapt to new lifestyle. Is never easy any way.
I have most of the things I wanted - a sweet bf (although not always sweet one, ops) 3 kids (although they like pissing me off) , wat more do I wan to ask for....

2011-10-18T17:43:00.003+08:00

EM audit is driving me crazy..Argh!!! Why would they like to dig out things tat is one year ago and worst part involved parties are not assisting... Lucky only involve few contractor. More night mare coming- BP side is coming in soon and I have 30++ contractors. Gonna pull my hair..... Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-10-18T07:19:00.002+08:00

Work is getting more heatic... More on board guys from other country.... Keeping my finger cross that it will be better.... I an already having problems with the current contractor due to poor communication and they don check their email. Erks... Cant blame them too cos places like Philippines have got problem with the connection due to the recent flooding. Too much following up. If my consultant is helpful still not bad but if is mr 155 I gonna die..... Like what all has said I am personal assistant of his. Honestly speechless... I don mind do all the work but once it reach payroll period I gonna die... My planner and calender are all filled with dates of rotation, pass application... Everything related with work.... Imagine when they only work few days and tell u they wan to resign... Really wan to kill them... T_T due to all this added stuff added i really don have energy to work in the evening... Gonna let me brain cell rest. Tat is why I rather choose to continue at the current place instead to look for new evening job.. Not much space to squeeze in new stuff... Haiz... ~_~'' gonna have a great day on this the with dear dear... No work, no rotation...but checking of email and replying email is a must.... :(
Hmm.... :) we gonna work extra hard to make things work...

2011-10-10T21:45:00.003+08:00

Been drinking for all these while... Been grumbling and all. Alway wanted to ask the reason face to face. And here I am, choose to shunning my friends and all. I realize something. God has been nice to give me a period of time filled with happiness. Maybe I know from the start it will be taken away. I choose to take it for granted. Choose to be the upper hand one. So tat when it really been taken away I will not feel tat upset will not feel so odd. Close colleague told me, by wearing a jacket does not means u can cover the scars. I almost burst out but I force myself to keep cool. And now I actually ask why is god only fair to me these period of time only? I realize all these while I never deserve this. Given to me becos at least once I had it. I hated this. Is really a torture for me. I never hate him, all I blame myself for not being good enough. I rather someone hate me then I hate the person. I keep asking myself why I am not even entitle to this one more chance tat I asked. And I know because I have abuse this chance all the while. Much as I want to spring clean everything but is hard. But in order to make things easier for us, is better for me to drop everything or least show tat I have put down. After all guys always move on fast enough. And as for me, I should have been use to the hurt by now. Everyone close to me has throw me behind. Leaving me alone. Leaving myself to fend on my own. I have seems some of the people true self as well. I know who is good and who us not. I know he no longer read my blog since I have del eveythimg away making thing so ugly. But in case one day he pop by and mange to see this post. I really wan to thank him. Thanks him for giving me a lot of nice memories. Thanking him enduring my horrible temper. And when thing don go I am having bad gastric. I will see a doc later. Most likely not going work. my way I blame him. But actually I know is me who is not good enough for him. Thanking him for all the things he has done for me. Thanking him for all the support he gave. Thanking him for making feel like I am a princess/ baby. Although for a short period of time but I am contended. I shouldn't be selfish. I should let him go. To let him go find what he wants. (hopefully one day he will find the chance to read this, even if he dont get to read I guess is ok becos is fated becos by then he has move on with life)
Although I really wan to tell everyone tat to be who I am now is not what I choose to be but force to be. I do wan to text him all my heartfelt thoughts but I am just so scare of the reply. At the end of it I have to admit tat I am a coward. I always laugh myself secretly why am I such a coward and yet try to be strong. When people have their problem I am still there for them and yet when I have mine I keep it to myself. Though I alway tell people they gave the right to be happy and when they tell me the same, I guess my heartfelt answer to them is I have no right to be happy since the day I am born. Isnt it true?! Much as I don wan to admit but everything have spell out for me.

2011-10-09T00:39:00.001+08:00

Brunch is crazy today..Customer Fighting over tv race. Seriously got problem. End up spraining my back. First instinct was freeze at the moment. Really tired been a while since I met with this kind of crowd. Unreasonable customer.... Erk... But at least I scream at someone I don like who ask him to step on my toe after I was scream by so many customer and hurting myself today, keep pucking due to my gastric problem. Already wan to faint Liao still wan to make things difficult for us. Really pisses people off. Not gonna bother since moving on to new place to work. Thou everything not confirm yet but I think I really have enough. With all the constant attitude I am been given and been suffering in silence for so long. I just blew up. Thou I spoke very fast but I am very sure he knows I am referring to him..... and what I am scolding. Thinking of it just make me feel a bit of the happiness.. Thou I know he would sure complain... Complain whoever I also don care.... At least something consider happy after so many unpleasant things happen on me.. Bleh...

2011-10-08T16:12:00.002+08:00

I think past night would have been shit without him. Thank god he send me home from zouk. Was so damm drunk. Wanted to look for gene at TMM but when I think that I will see sjb it just turn me off. So end up at zouk drinking. Maybe becos there will be a lot of people there. So much people that I will at least not feel alone.but the after effect sucks. Gonna go pasir ris my colleague house. One the place I don wan to go. Is really Xian. But I can't say no. Hai.. Why are they doing all these to me. If I don go I think they will kill me on Monday. Gonna drink tonight at least this is what she promised me, stand by drinks for us... Hmm will be interesting.

2011-10-07T17:27:00.002+08:00

When one lose something, it wil gain something in a way. Gonna start a new night job... At least the hours gonna be like TMM. At least more hours. End later then TMM. The Night view is so beautiful... I can see the Singapore flyer... How nice.. Not sure how will the people be like. Be it good or bad gotta to work too. Gotta thanks Sam for that. Will take a break for now til next week.. Drink, rest, chill.... Some will say is self denial some will say what is the point of doing all these. But who cares now. If people wanna judge me then let it be, is not as if I have not been misunderstood. Don wan to bother so much. Now I have add on double lock to my wall, swear I will never unlock it again. Finally it all ended after the thru and fro, ended the same ending. All the promises of never letting go, no matter who stops will not give up, are all rubbish. Flash back it hurts, but I know I got to let go. To think that I even wanted to tone down to save the relationship. Is so stupid I must admit. But who will bother....

2011-10-07T09:55:00.002+08:00

After a night of thinking, I have decided to spring clean. Spring clean my room and my heart. Gonna pack up all the stuff. Not sure if I should return but i think at least pack it away. At least it does not add salt to the wound. If one can't be firm of wat one wants then I guess is also a matter of time things will happen again. A relationship tat is not recognize will not last. I am not a selfish person.

2011-10-05T15:04:00.003+08:00

After this long wait, I don think I can take it anymore. Really decided to give it up. It may not be wat I wan, but I some how have enough of waiting and waiting. I was hoping for something. But nothing comes other than the whining. Is tiring. Work has torture me like hell I don wan to endure all this. Work is alr eating me mentally... Argh!! I gonna to withdraw, then again who anyway.... :)

2011-09-27T07:41:00.002+08:00

It just take a simple little thing to break trust. Maybe things was not really a big issue but some how it is just so hard to trust the person again. Though I know is unfair but maybe because I am selfish. Becos I don wan myself to be hurt. Part of me wanted to tell the other party off but part of me knows it takes two hand to clap. Someone one would wan to gain somethin out of it but never realize will end up losing more things. If this kind of little gain will tempt one then what will happen if more gain come into pic. When I tot I could trust someone so much and when I came to know things which I shouldn't have it just fucking hurt, keep asking myself why things can't be told on other part it just make me like an idiot. Now i keep asking myself if I am one who is so hard to talk to? What ever reason that comes now to me is just an excuse. I tot I hve emphasis from day one. But none have listen into it. This kind of stuff choose not to tell and always saying other unnecessary stuff? Is just so ironic. I rather choose to protect myself from the hurt then to give myself a chance to be in a relationship of no trust. Friend keep telling me that is just a small issue. And nothing major happen?? So am I to sit down and wait for something major then I walk away. I guess relationship is never my cup of tea. I should just stay put as where I were. Been carefree is always better to be hurt by one. These two days stuff been playing inside my head. Sometime things happen just by chance.. And is always so coincidence. Not hurt becos I came to know thing and the hurting part is I realize I am one who is ao unapproachable. I didn't flare didn't cry becos I know is not worth it.

2011-09-15T07:25:00.002+08:00

Here I am, 7.25am on bus 80 to work. Suddenly sadness just flash back to me. I miss my grandparent so much. Of cos certain things sparks the memories back. While sitting on my seat a lady in her 50s grab my hand for support. I then suddenly remember back then I was so looking forward my grandma to hold my hand for support but she never once wan to hold on to it. But when she was admit to hospital the last time in her life when I held her to the washroom and when she hold on to my hands tightly I realize how much she has thin over the long years. I realize that how much she has aged. I wished for longer time with her. I wanted to spend more time with her. I wanted her to know I love her too. I may not tell her in words. But she showed me in actions. I appreciate it and always thankful for the little chance u was given by her. I will always miss her. I will always remember how she scolded me when we took her to Singapore flyer but yet how excited she was when she get to see the whole Singapore in the capsule. The last pic we manage to take together. She left me fond memories. Come to think I hated her for so many years. Is enough punishment for the both of us. To hate someone is really tough. Thou many tines I hated my self for spending too much time hating but then again is because I have hated her for so long that when I was given the chance to see things in different light I really appreciate and treasure it. I know I will not have the chance to bump into her again, but I know I will always remember her. Maybe I have lost so much loves one that I know kinship is the most important in life.

2011-06-27T22:00:00.000+08:00

27 June 2011.

a lot of things happen for the past few months. change of environment and change of status. added responsibilities, added work load. need more focus, more attention. new colleagues have not been cooperative and helpful. mayb they don like like taking into consideration that i was been brought in by one of the staff. mayb they didnt wan to spoon feed me. which ever way it is, i choose to believe the latter. - they didnt wan to spoon feed me. therefore whatever i have learn today is my own hard work and their little help here and there. and now, it is slightly better. i have to agree that i was not been open to people back then. maybe back then i was use to the colleague i have and didnt wan to open up to people. after all is not easy for me to open up with people.

Feb 14 - i was attached to him. how we got together was kind of weird and unrealistic. it was an no string attached kind of relationship from the start. where we are free to go when we met someone else. but i guess none of us know that we would move on to something serious. come to think, maybe i fallen for him before he fallen for me. all the while i was waiting for him to tell me the words i wanted to hear. and when he did, the situation didnt turn out well. becos it came when i least unexpected. i didnt have enough time to react and things didnt end well. for this, he was angry with me for a while. slowly this relationship was known to each other friends and family. though i was happy and secured. but i know something is missing. no doubt i don need anyone to support me financially, and i don need any high flyer boyfriend. but at least someone who is able to give me the security. after all, i don wan my history to repeat again. things has changed alot since then to now. becos of this so called security i wanted, it has cause a strain to this relationship. mayb i should just ignore this so call security and at least things will not reach this stage. and now is so strain that i myself do not know what i can do or what i should do to resolve.. i do not even know if i should hold on to it. for the past few days, i choose not to meet up. at least is a cool off period. a period of time for us to step back cool things off and recharge ourself. i don know what outcome will be. let just keep the fingers crossed. after all, for the past four months, it has been tiring for both of us. one always giving in and one always taking it.. not forgetting the lack of sleep/rest... in a relationship, it should be give and take. at least we both can make use of the time to fine tune this relationship. i always wanted to have someone to take care of me, but i know whoever take up this role has to be tough and mature one. some one who can think ahead of me. some one who can lead me, some one who is mature enough make decision for me. and i know is not easy task thou.... not one who grumbles and keep waiting for me to tell him wat i want, becos wat i really wan is never easy to attain..

2011-03-24T10:05:00.002+08:00

24 March-

A gloomy way to start a day.... kinda sick and tired to hear the same thing from him again and again. i know one day we will go on separate ways, the day is not here and he is already harping on it. seriously, i am really getting tired alr, having the tots of giving up now. i have too many things to face, and i tot i could at least have the support from him. but alas..... when i tell things, he don remember. if he cant remember then wat is the point of telling. telling for the sake of being together as a couple just does not make sense. i have giving myself reason to hang on to it, but he has been been giving me reason to give up. this kind of words from him, just make it seems like he cant be bother to see me as someone important. i am starting to lose faith and i think if he tells me he wan a break up, i would wan to utter anything more. not becos the feelings is not there... but i guess, he has planted the scenario in my mind all this while, and it has kinda started to engrave into my brain alr. we have alr started to be like a couple and yet not a couple status. think i am foolish to think that he will put in his effort also...

2011-03-23T00:49:00.002+08:00

finally done my hair.. have been wanted to do it... but lack of the time. result is ok ah. not that bad. but at least it is not messy. at least done before Patrick's wedding la. giving him enough face le la. suppose to meet them. but decided not to... they are meeting at town for drinks...honestly they do understand me well enough.. ha ha.. tellin them i don wan to drink.. obviously i as the hard core drinker will never say no to drinks. so they conclude my current status. i know they are disappointed cos they have been trying to "date" me quite awhile esp Dave.. anyway gotta to see them soon... really very soon.....
things has not been smooth for him either. and yet here i am kinda helpless and lost. not sure wat i can say and wat i cant say. not sure if i am doing enough or if there is more that i can do to make him feel better. i am different from him. from young i know there is nothing call fair. so i never wan to compare. from young i have gone thru pain. and thou when the pain strikes me, i am still able to take it. becos from young i have been train to face this kind of things... some how i just feel that i am a jinx, whoever come near me will have tons of problems, after all, my own blood father think i am one. wanted to tell him, but i know is not the right time. i don wan him to feel the kind of rubbish coming from me. i know i have to be patient and understanding. i know i can be one. but at the end of it, i always wonder if things would be better if i didnt demand for the beginning of this r/s. seriously, i cant help it to think that i am nothing but jinx.i don know what i can do to lessen the kind of stress he is facing... and i need directions.. i rather be the one to go thru, becos i know how to face it, deal with it.....

2011-03-22T14:06:00.002+08:00

been away for long time thou. :) busy with work and other personal stuff. Patrick finally going to tie the knot. think his parents will be over the moon. thou i have gotta his invitation years back, but yet i have not gotten prepare yet for his dinner. thou i just cant understand why they must set the theme for me after all is not me getting married.... Dave is finally back to Singapore.. Yet to meet him cos really too busy.. but whatever it is, he should be busy also... to help out the groom. ha ha... this time i am not going to be the sister group... yet they are going to let me use their make up artist. i know what they wan... i really know.. but it seems like the message is not put across to them clear enough. yet to decide what to wear, and honestly speaking yet to be ready to go down.... to see his parents again, to see the familiar face again.... "death leaves a heartache, no one can heal. Loves leave memories, no one can steal!!" nevertheless, it shall still be a joyous occasion.....

2011-03-11T15:06:00.003+08:00

i was really touched. thou i was some how been tricked down, but it was all worthwhile... Jasmin, Ian and Halim, made video for me... to encourage me, to cheer me up.. til now, i have seen the video many times, i still cant help it to burst out laughing. it really warmth my heart. this kind of gift is something which money cant buy. and it is all captured inside. no fake smile, no motive, expect real smile, real concern are shown. now i know how lucky i am.. i really appreciate it alot. at least i know when i am down, there is something to cheer me up.... after all i am easily contended. all i wan is the concern, real concern.... something which money cant buy. yet many people don know.. and often they think other wise. but which ever it is i cant control much... i can never change how people think of me....

2011-03-06T22:15:00.001+08:00

1234! lyrics
Songwriters: Higgenson, Tom;

1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

Give me more lovin' than I've ever had
Make it all better when I'm feelin' sad
Tell me that I'm special even when I know I'm not

Make me feel good when I hurt so bad
Barely gettin' mad, I'm so glad I found you
I love bein' around you
You make it easy, it's as easy as 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

There's only one thing to do
Three words for you I love you
There's only one way to say
Those three words and that's what I'll do, I love you

Give me more lovin' from the very start
Piece me back together when I fall apart
Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends

Make me feel good when I hurt so bad
Best that I've had, I'm so glad that I found you
I love bein' around you
You make it easy, it's as easy as 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

There's only one thing to do
Three words for you I love you
There's only one way to say
Those three words and that's what I'll do, I love you
I love you

You make it easy, it's easy as 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

There's only one thing to do
Three words for you I love you
There's only one way to say
Those three words and that's what I'll do, I love you
I love you

1, 2, 3, 4
I love you
I love you

"Finally found this song... after their first release since 2007.... sooo happy" :) thanks jasmin thou....

2011-03-01T12:04:00.003+08:00

the simpler you wan, the hardest it is to attain.
i always put other before myself. taking care of others before myself. making sure they are fine. not because i wan them to like me. but because i know what it feels to give than to receive. the sweet and warm feeling of giving. it does not stop me from giving even thou i was hurt by people whom i think they can be trusted. i know some may think i am just so fake. but is okie. no one around me understand what i mean. is okie too. but i realise what it feels to be taken care of now. i have a wonderful manager at TMM who takes care of me like her own sister. just like last night when i was feeling unwell, she sat by my side to make sure i am ok. massage my hand, scolded me for not telling her, but in a concern way. is sweet and warm. it has been a long time since someone took care of me. and i am appreciative for that effort. really appreciative.

2011-02-25T09:51:00.002+08:00

25/02/2011.

my grandpa have transfer out to normal ward. all machine has unplug. heard he is kinda alert alr. hopefully he can pull thru, at least for now. he has once again shown us miracle. he may not be the best grandpa... we quarrel, and is no joke quarreling with him. literally, it bring down the whole house..we threw things at each other before also. but that was many years back. when i am younger. thou we have so many problems, i know i love him...

my mum has complain that she is missing me.becos i have busy with work. always bringing report home to do. and my mum have complain that i have lost abit of weight. lately i have been having dizzy spell, due to my sugar level.been to the doc, and as usual the same old stuff... i can be doc to myself soon...

weekend is round the corner again.. and enjoy everyone.

2011-02-21T10:42:00.002+08:00

Yesterday (20/2/2011) was Victoria last day at Merry Men.. she will be leaving to KL tomorrow and from there to Australia for her studies. time flies. when she first join we tot she is those young kid from a well protected family kind. but she proved us wrong. she is so short that we jus wan to dote on her. and the way she behaved can make u pissed and yet cant help laughing. she has been adorable. we didnt expect her to work throughout her holiday. but she did. and i am wishing that time will just fly a little slower. we have been thru quite a bit. Slam day, slack day. haha. she will always be missed by all of u, that is for sure. hopefully she will come back and find us during her next holiday, which i think is on the June.
and one of TMM boss has left Singapore to Australia.. gonna to miss him as well.... but not as much as Vic thou. i have small heart and brain. cant hold too much people thou.... :)

2011-02-18T10:50:00.003+08:00

last night, i had a dream. a dream which i have not dreamt for a long time. is not exactly a dream but a nightmare. when i woke up, it is still that scary. i really didnt sleep well. i had this dream since the day i witness my father been cremated, right in front of my eyes. since then i dreamt of walking in a maze. where i cant jus walk out of it. lost, sad, frighten. then i would see my father and he would hug me. but he jus disappear. and i am thrown at the place alone. i had that dream for very long. and maybe becos i grow up and learn to deal with loss, the dream didnt haunt me anymore. but it just came back last night. i am just so scare and loss. and now i am going to struggle to work thru today. i just cant concentrate....

2011-02-16T10:24:00.002+08:00

jus bought a new book- The Last Song, adding one more new collection to my favourite author- Nicholas Sparks. his books has never failed me. maybe the ends twist with the reality. I have missed the show, which i am tying to get in store for the DVD. no time to go and find anyway... tsk tsk. anyway gotta to finish reading the novel, which i don know how long it is going to take.
was at KTV with merry men crazy staff last night. thou i know they wanted to finish the bottle, but i also know that they wanted to keep me company... and i appreciate it thou.... i must say that it was really good thou. Ian made us laugh like no tomorrow. causing more pain to my burn wound. don know should i slap him or like him. but he is definitely a fun person to hang around, he has been a very steady colleague to work with. Victoria another cool one. her small size will lead u to believe she is a gentle little gal.. but she is totally not.. she is leaving us soon. kinda sad. good things always pass by us instantly. gotta treasure the time we have. tonite will be a bash at mono. with all my cuties and hunks coming together, how not to have bash. tell me!!
merry men has really given me a lot of joy -steady colleagues, cool bosses and i found one or two good friend there. no one understood, why i put in so much time and effort in it, which i think i just cant be bothered to explain. maybe soon, i will not be able to work there, but that will be a place i will go back.

2011-02-15T09:33:00.004+08:00

i am thankful i am not been forgotten. thankful that miles apart you have not forgotten my present. ok.i am more focus on my present then not been forgotten. which ever way, i am sure you know what i mean.... i know you will say that i am bitch... but it is this bitch that has share the friendship with you this long. come to think i have known you for 17 years. and the friendship drawn closer only recent years. becos of this person, our friendship have grown.i was at ecp last night, yes on valentine day. the last place i would wan to spend my valentine day. any day is fine but not valentine. you say i could not survive out without tearing my self. ha... you are wrong. (sorry to disappoint you, dude!!) i didnt cry. not becos i have forgotten everything, but i have learn to let go.. memories will always follow me. i know how paranoid you are when you know i will be going down. i know how uptight you are when you know that i will be alone for while. i know how much concern you have given me. but see!! i have grown up already. you can be assured that i can coped with it now. and stop worrying abt me... you all have done whatever you have promise back then. is time to let go your hand to let me stand on my own. i don wan to stand in your happiness also. i have taken up too much time of yours... but of cos i still demand my present without fail ah...

did i mention i was scald by hot water. gosh... it was horrible. 110 degree. mainly on my stomach... big blister. erks! is painful, but it is getting better now. with the medication cream. Ian has commented that the instant moment when i was scald, i really look pitiful.... ya right! is better now, and thanks for all the concern. tomorrow going to mono for CNY celebration with Merry Men staff.. a day to get myself drunk....

2011-02-10T17:20:00.003+08:00

was browsing the Movie Showtime just now. I realize it has been a million years since i last watch movie.. once upon my all time number 1 hobby. ghee... i must watch by next week.... must use my Merry Men off day to watch - Shaolin, All's Well Ends Well 2011, A Great, Great World. watch all at one go... i am not greedy.. but to pamper myself... :) (starting to plan....)
finally my work have cleared most of it...happy that i manage to survive til now....

2011-02-10T04:02:00.002+08:00

been really shag. slept two hours last night. and i am now still rushing my stuff. just endure one more day.. then my stuff will be cleared.. then comes Merry Men on Saturday. i almost passed out today. didnt eat much. jus too tired to eat. gastric comes finding me. couldnt finish my lunch and even my dinner was only a scope of rice and some veg. and worst part, i cant find my medicine at home. gastric been slightly better now and hopefully it will gone by tomorrow....

2011-02-09T11:32:00.002+08:00

Finally full force back to office. holiday passed so quickly that i don even have time to take a break....
too many deadlines, yet limited time frame.. at least it keeps me busy enough.
only had 2 hours of sleep last night.. now stoning and feeling very unwell. gotta stay focus.. bleh!! but something amusing happen. someone from my office building came over and greeted me " hi, happy new year" and i was like "hmm.... happy new year.." someone i would bump into occasionally during my smoke break for the past 1.5 years. we would only nod and smile when we bump into each other. nope, i am not saying that he has torch for me or what ever. but is like getting to know another person. tat is all!!
gotta survive for another 13 hours... struggling... argh!! but at least i have a holiday to look forward. another one more month and all i need is a 2-3 days break....

2011-02-08T11:20:00.002+08:00

CNY has passed without me knowing. have been busy for this CNY. working throughout CNY at Merry Men, i must say is tiring, but at least it keeps me occupied. i know i need a break now. i am wondering if i should just go to Australia for few days or just a weekend to nearby island. at least Australia, i still have Dave to be my company and not forgetting my tour guide. and of course will be sponsoring part of my spending. but i know i will be sad to leave Australia when the time comes. (i miss him lots) if to nearby island, just for a two days. i think i should be able to take care of myself. ha ha. i really wan to go for this short break. soon.. most likely March. hmm.....
sometime when things go beyond a level, it is hard to resume back to what it has been. many things i wanted to do, i just lack the courage. so i would just choose a easier way out - avoid.
maybe i am the too complicated one, to think things too deeply in. and that is why i choose not to think, and numb myself.

2011-01-25T22:15:00.003+08:00

truth always hurts. this is something i know. but maybe becos i have been avoiding for very long, and therefore the pain is more unbearable. i wanted to cry, cry my heart out. but the tap does not seems to be able to turn on. i know is time i put the wall back. to be like before. taking care to make sure it does not fall off. taking care that no one will be able to come in. tat is the only way i will not be hurt. i was so foolish, thinking that things are real. but in actual fact none are. i am withdrawing again. when i tot friends are real. friends do care for me. but in reality, i am someone who they will remember when they needed help, when they needed a listening ear. all the while i am working so hard in merry men was becos i wan run away. at least i don have the time to think, at least i don have the energy to think. all i know now i am really hurt and i don know what i can do to lessen the pain...

2011-01-06T11:30:00.002+08:00

in life, there is always gain and lose. when you lost certain things, you will gain certain back also. recently i was telling a friend about a god brother whom i have stop mentioning for long time. Lin Ting. a outstanding boy and talented one i would say. he would be able to join the media line if he is still around. he lost his life in a meaningless way. on a bike accident. he never fail to make me laugh when i am sad. he never fail to have a smile on his face. he is charming boy indeed. once upon we were always hanging around doing nothing. smoke, drink, talk cock. i kind of miss him at times. in my life, i have lost too many things, too many people. maybe i have lost too much, that i am immune to it. even when my friends leave me, it seems like it is no big deal compare to losing people forever. friends are still important to me, but i guess i have loosen grip in it. if it mean to be, it will be....

first time in my life, there is someone telling me that i have every right to be sad. every songs has its memories behind it. every song will trigger different kind of memories. so everyone have its rights to be sad. sound weird, but come to think about it again, it does make sense.....

2011-01-04T12:23:00.004+08:00

time flies... 2011 have jus come and 2010 jus gone like this... time to welcome new stuff and challenge. now sure how my 2011 will be, but at least for the start it has been great. Merry Men has once again hit its highest target thou there could have been more. but at least things was so much better than wat we expect. KTV on its way... and looking forward to it... another 8 days to go. even if people i don like is going, i will also enjoy it.. NO MATTER WAT.... no one gonna spoil the fun that day.. haha...
Merry Men has started becoming my second home. don ask me why am i so attached to it, becos seriously i also don know why....

no matter wat i have to Thank Merry Men for the fun .. and showing me things i have missed out in life. or i tot i have missed out?! sometimes things are not easy to explain out in words. Wat you see, may not mean it exist and the same applies for what you don see, exist all the while.
friends say i have change. or should i remind them that this is then the actual me?

2010-12-31T12:22:00.002+08:00

finally, today the last day of 2010.. looking back, this year have been fulfilling thou with a bit of downs here and there. i guess that is life... had a busier and yet rewarding year. looking forward to a brand new year. gonna have a few resolution, realistic ones. hopefully, all can be fulfill by end of next year!

gonna work at Merry Men, hoping we can meet our new target.. (Crossing my fingers, else our KTV gathering half half gone!! bleh!)haha.. looking forward to our first TMM KTV gathering.. in just less than 2 weeks...

2010-12-21T17:39:00.002+08:00

21 Dec...

4 more days to Xmas... Everyone is now starting to have this festival mood. Haha...
One of festival i always look for... but maybe not tat much now. receive gift from Jasmin, Annie/ Johnathan.. was surprise when i received gift from them. never tot i would receive gift from them. esp Annie/ Johnathan cos i remember them telling me that they are goin to England to celebrate Xmas and at the same time to visit Johnathan family... Most of Merry Men customer are going back to their hometown to celebrate xmas. so gotta miss them thou... :)
starting to celebrate tomorrow since xmas eve, xmas and boxing day is working at Merry Men..... gonna meet the guys at Clarke Quay for drinks... not my favourite place, but no choice... is always the company tat counts i guess... :) and Thur meeting ex colleague.. haiz... time is always so limited... but i guess that is what i enjoy most... :)

anyway Merry Xmas to all...

2010-12-05T04:46:00.002+08:00

busy as usual.... maybe work is the only the thing that can keep my mind off... is like pumping all the way... and i don have to think a thing. not much people understand... some says that i am not treating myself fairly, some commented that i am just insane. close one commented that i am jus numbing myself... but actually, i realise that no matter whether i am numbing myself or jus pushing myself... it didnt seems to be important anymore.. after all, i am happy with my life. though tiring, but at leat many time it just block myself from thinking... though i admit that i think alot when i am alone. things just flash black. jus like last sun when i meet ED for drinks. tears jus flow after a few drinks. maybe people will think that i am high or something. but is tears tat i hold back many times. i am human with feeling. it is something i do in front of close friends. no holding back, no withdrawing. wat they personally think actually does not matter... in life i realise that one should not have too much regrets. cos they will end up like me. and now i am sending the message across to my kids... hopefully they will not be like me..
till to date, when i step back and see... not much people see the inner me. i guess is only those who know me when i was 13, 14.. and still in good terms. and those who knows Peter... becos is those common friends that i would say know me inside...

"泪滴答滴答"仿佛就象是你的眼泪.

2010-11-19T16:41:00.002+08:00

frankly speaking, sometime i jus don understand one thinks.... no confidence to confess to the one who he likes. then hit chest and cry when the gal fell for people. and tell me no confidence. scare this scare that... koaz.... really cant stand people like tat. then start to say that he can be better bf than that guy.. tat guy is a player.. cant be trusted. why cant he jus tell the gal straight instead come complaining to everyone. when encourage him, he will tell you that he has no confidence. then frankly speaking, that is just too bad. then stay at home forever and not find anyone from now... why are guys nowadays so wimpy.... troubling over small issue... ha.cant stand... given advice not happy to listen in. but still wan to ask... sad to say.. i don have all the time in the world to entertain. work have kept me away from all this unnecessary problem, esp friends problem. which in a way, so much happier.... maybe i choose to avoid and maybe it is not right. but then again, what happen when they avoid me when i needed them? maybe i am the one at fault or unreasonable. then again, true friends should tell you straight.....

2010-11-10T14:38:00.003+08:00

been missing here for a while. nothing much to update, been working and busy. life is much more meaningful. guess is what one decides to go. getting the sequence right is most important thing. life in Singapore is getting tougher than past. the amount of stress and pressure we get each day is increasing. some people choose to face it, some choose to run away. but no matter how far you run, things still come back to you. becos it is jus running on the same point. there are always people worst than us, and people luckier than us. but no matter wat, life goes on. come to think in the past, nothing is as important than money and relationship. without relationship life seems meaningless, wishing i could just die. but when i grew, the point of view changed. once upon the top list is now top list from the bottom. life moves on, and i choose the easier way out... to FACE it. some says is harder to face the problem. it is always easy to avoid it. but like i say i realise that running away is just running on the same spot... whether to face it whether to run, everyone have the right to make decision.

2010-10-28T12:09:00.003+08:00

在莫个时候，会想起莫个人。每一段感情，友情，都有自己特别的回忆与意义。就算是过路的，都会有他们的痕迹。。
重点是曾经珍惜过。把那个人牢牢记在心里。记得当初的回忆。偶尔把回忆拿出来回想，其实是甜蜜的。其实心里已经有很多的回忆，已经塞的满满。不知道还能在储存回忆。没有的删除，只有一直得储存下去。。。。。

简单本来就是幸福的。也许，长大了，世界也已经越来越复杂。忘了当初的自己，忘了小时候单纯的自己。想笑就笑，想哭就哭。不需要掩饰。

2010-10-26T17:02:00.003+08:00

其实心里有好多话想说，可是不通那里说起。。。。明明是不开心，可是已经习惯拥有一幅开心的面具。。。因该是已经麻木了。现在就连是什么不开心都不知道。。。只知道好累好累。。。。。努力的奋斗好累，爱人好累，被爱好累。
兜兜转转的好累。已经不知道自己是谁，自己要的是什么。因该为谁而活。

"可是只有你曾陪我在最初的地方,只有你才能了解我要的梦从来不大,我痛的疯的伤的在你面前哭得最惨,我知道你也不能带我回到那个地方."

2010-09-21T11:44:00.003+08:00

it is sad to know that Strawberry is closing down soon. a place where fond memories will hold. to have found this new place was something i never expected. val and me were jus looking ard for a new place to hang out. and end up going back there more often. maybe becos of the homely feeling from that place. where boss would sit down and chat with you. seeing you come alone, he will make the effort to drink with you. i still remember the second time i went down. it was all tears and unhappiness. the last day of my grandma wake. after all that should have, no place to go. i jus wen there. ended up val was there to keep me company. and i was crying like shit. it is sad now to see it breaking up. but there is always an end to everything. hopefully the kind of friendship will stay on. eventually one day when we go out and bump into each other, we would still be hi-ing to each other.
i really hope that i can drop by soon...

really wish to have 48hr a day instead. so many thing and yet so little time to do. i always have to squeeze everything into one.. phew... still surviving at merry men. customer always bring me laughter. thou management wise having some problem but i choose to ignore it. and of all a sudden, i am like i great demand. becos i have customer asking me over. but i guess merry men gave me the comfort zone which is all i asked for.... so don intend to move else where yet unless i really cant take it.... at least i have some male floor staff, so at least i don have to do heavy duty like bringing chairs and tables... ke ke.... this friday gonna have big crowd so keep my fingers crossed thou....

received a long long friend wedding invitation card... so happy that she is finally getting married. i don mean she has no one to choose, but finally she choose to settle down. really looking forward to that day.. but on of all day 05/11... Deepavali... i was like erm... but who cares, as long as she will have a blissful life i am more than happy... gonna to do some shopping lo.... still pondering what to wear....

my company having retreat finally after 2 years.. but becos it crashes with my friend wedding, so not going.. anyway they are planning to go to china area.... which i have no interest... mayb not becos of the place but becos of the people i am going with... i am like.... -_- one word to sum it all... XIAN~~~ lucky i have very good excuses not to go... haha.... thank god!!!

gtg.. will blog when i have time to do so.... :) for now.. i am still alive and kicking dude.... so don worry about me... miss you too thou.. and think the soonest for me to see you again is next year le ba, at xiao di wedding... and xiao di... i don wan to be in sister group this time.. give me a break ya.. neither in brother group.... haha. unless hunks are there.. else NO!! (ops!) take care ya...

2010-09-17T14:35:00.000+08:00

心肝宝贝
龙凤店电影主题曲

(合)天是那么大人是那么多
偏偏让我遇见你
(男)你是那么真你是那么好
我曾怀疑我在做梦
(女)不再一个人心事有人听
漫漫长夜在一起
(合)和你数着星海边迎着风
只要有你我就安心
你是我的心肝宝贝
爱你爱到无路可退
这一辈子都不后悔
(女)陪你上山下海
(男)陪你黑夜白天
(合)快乐伤悲都无所谓
你是我的心肝宝贝
爱你爱到掏心掏肺
希望你也真心相对
(女)我要为你干杯
(男)我要为你喝醉
(合)因为你是我的宝贝

★(music)★

(合)天是那么大人是那么多
偏偏让我遇见你
(男)你是那么真你是那么好
我曾怀疑我在做梦
(女)不再一个人心事有人听
漫漫长夜在一起
(合)和你数着星海边迎着风
只要有你我就安心
你是我的心肝宝贝
爱你爱到无路可退
这一辈子都不后悔
(女)陪你上山下海
(男)陪你黑夜白天
(合)快乐伤悲都无所谓
你是我的心肝宝贝
爱你爱到掏心掏肺
希望你也真心相对
(女)我要为你干杯
(男)我要为你喝醉
(合)因为你是我的宝贝

Pretty nice song......

2010-09-03T09:57:00.002+08:00

i am always amazed when i realise the world is so damm small... cant deny that the fate is always so amazed.
7th month is coming to an end soon... and soon mooncake festival is coming. i missed grandpa zhu zai. something he will buy for me when he is still around. becos he says it looks like me... so xian ah.... refer me as the zhu zhai.. hai... something which i will eat every year without fail. i don wan to lost the taste and the feeling of it. is a way to remember him i guess... most of the years, there will be people getting for me. becos most of my close ones knows that it is a must to eat. i can give mooncake a miss but my zhu zai no way sia... and is not easy to find the traditional one. sometime you have to find a few shops before finding one.. ya ya i am stuck in the mud kind. hahaha...

2010-09-02T14:53:00.002+08:00

busy week have passed... right now i am in the state of not knowing which day and date it is... hectic lifestyle, but at least is life seems more meaningful. business at the merry men have picked up and glad that i see alot of familiar faces coming back. whether due to the food, the drinks or service, i am equally happy. Starting to know more names and faces. Jus like last evening Johnthan came back with his friends, finished 12 jugs of VB. he and his girlfriend are jus so into VB, a beer from Australia. Glad to see him back thou it took me few hours to remember who exactly he is. But he is still that fun loving. so in the end my management decided to give me a jug printed with VB logo on it since they are hard core fans of VB. he was really sad when his friend accidentally broke it. but nevertheless we still give him another one. and he promised me that Annie will be back with him today.. hopefully so thou...
thou my current is really tiring and have barred me from meeting my friends, but i know that all this are worthwhile. and i know i will have to preserve thou. gonna meet ted and the rest of the guys tomorrow. not sure what will come out to be. after all it has been some time since we meet up. and sometime the kind of chemistry just disappear. and it may take some time to find back. not able to go into the conversation, topics? guess i should think of brighter side thou... hopefully it is not as bad as what i think ba.... not sure if it will be busy at the merry men.... hmm.... jus a week ago, auntie molly treated us drinks. end up she could not finished her glass of whiskey and i had to finish for her since she has drink alot since she step in... a nice and funny lady thou...

2010-08-25T14:17:00.002+08:00

the fifth days with my night job - the Merry Men at Robertson Quay by the Blue. a newly open kitchen bar. Consider the pioneer now. been very happy there... it has been a long while since i jump back to this line again. my managers are super duper nice. they took care of me as if i am the full time staff there. Last Fri was the first opening. flooded with people and was full. imagine when i am home, i am really tired. the running and serving plays a big part. didnt have time to rest becos under staff. due to the long hours of standing, i had got myself a wonderful present which is the BLISTER... shit!!! it is now infected and is starting to swell. seen a doc, but is hard to heal since i will be wearing covered shoes for now..... pratically limping.. but still i can still feel the happiness there... esp auntie molly, the boss mother. who gets me drink as a reward and supper... a very trendy and "in" auntie in her 50s or 60s. most customer are my boss's friend. who are mostly high flyers. smart, rich, hunk??!! but too bad didnt have time to have nose bleed.... of cos those good guys are attached or married. good guys are extinct animal now!!!!
it has been a great exposure for me. i guess this is why i like to be. but i still have to consider a lot of factor.. so for now, sticking as their part time. of cos there are tourist and overseas customer. it has been great to interact with them. recently know a scotish guy who is in charge of most drinks QC. "made" to travel ard the world in business class, stayed in good hotels... haha.. a funny guy.... and of cos i know more of how drinks are been process..... hopefully there will be more to come.....
i am jus so loving it!!!!!

2010-08-18T22:55:00.002+08:00

words tat seems hard to say out.. after some time, after a while, after some repeating, words come out easily. it has not be easy... but come to think what have been easy in life... manage to catch up wit a friend. time flies.. his daughter is already 15 months.. and is dearly to him. haha... guess man change after family comes into the picture.

Val have tender and will be leaving soon. She has been the best colleague i have. Thou it is really sad tat she is leaving. but she has move on to a higher level in her career. as a friend, colleague i am more than happy. becos i know we will still be in touch even if she leave. we join the same day,both smoker and drinker.. she has been the closest person i have in office. i confides in her with all my things.. thou there are some which i held back, but is a matter of time i tell her. becos i know where her advice comes from. so, in short i lost a smoker khaki, drinker khaki, cheonging khaki and a great help.. but i wan to see her good...

having some intention to change a new environment... something totally new.. but is risky thou... not much time left.. if i don change now, i will be too old.... haha...

Will be busier soon.. :)

2010-08-07T22:59:00.003+08:00

been a long while since i update. ya, i know some may start to think that i "died". haha.. and so here i am updating. so "you" will be assured. haha.
many things hve happen over this period of time. mainly the upsetting and depressed one. therefore kinda busy dealing one by one. i know some of my friends are upset and disappointed in my behaviour and attitude. thou i have apologised after tat, some may fee tat i did it with no sincere. but at least i know i have apologised and i kinda don owe any explanation if no one asked. some may feel that i should have at least explained. but wrong is wrong already, by overly explaining will jus make myself trying to cover my mistakes. thou after a while a few may understand, at least i guess i have done my part and if one forgive me, i appreciate. if i am not forgiven then i would see it that the fate is already there. don wan to be stuborn on this kind of thing. cos it can be so tiring and it will jus make me look very bad....

some time at least i am glad that i know some people see me as some one close who is willing to share their personal stuff with me. so there is nothing i can ask for. after all i can please everyone ard me. when some one likes me, i have someone disliking me. so i guess i have started to come terms with it. some may see tat i am just finding a way to escape. well, i guess let it be...

recently had a gathering. things have changed. people also have changed. but at least when i see them again after so long, things are not as odd as i think. at least we can have things to catch up. and it has been nice.

work have been busy. tiring... but no choice thou. haha....

2010-07-13T13:27:00.002+08:00

when two people get along, there will always be conflicts. and the conflicts have to depend on both to iron it out. but when you think there is no need to iron it out, then mayb is time to let go this person. when once you hold a person dearly to yourself. knowing he is a friend who you can count on. but when the time is there to let go then jus let it go. what else can one do. when the fact the other party know what kind of person you are.

when one start to show you the concern, becos you are sick. you only feel that the concern is fake. and some how, you will asked yourself if he asked becos he care or he asked becos he didnt wan to lose out. if one does not even know how to put themselves into other shoes, then he is not fit to ask other to put themselves into their shoe.

2010-07-12T11:21:00.000+08:00

Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day. - By Dalai Lama

some may feel tat friends are meant to be forever. meant to be there when you are up and down. many times, we took it for granted. we assume tat they will always be there. no matter what happen. but most of the time, we forgot that everyone have their own lives to go thru. they will one day where they need to crave their own career, then their partner and settle down, then kids come along. there will be time where friends part one day. maybe it will be a words of "hi", "how's life", "take care". suddenly i jus wan to be isolated. to be left alone. shutting myself away from people, friends. wants to be alone. not even words of "hi" from friends. no matter how close they are. enough of been good person. enough of giving in to people. i jus wan to do things for myself. and maybe been alone will do me good. with no people bothering, disturbing. i guess that is the life i wan. thou many people have said that one needs to have friends ard, so that one will never be lonely and some one to share the ups and downs. but sad to say, friends are jus a tool for oneself to cover the emptiness. this is a fact where everyone have to face it.

2010-06-27T21:13:00.002+08:00

CHOICES. something that change one person life. almost most of the time we are making choices. for me, i guess i have made alot of wrong choices along the way. going round and round on the same track. it has been tedious. but then again, if i didnt have gone through the rough patch, i wouldnt be wat i am now. people tot i am someone who is arrogant, heartless, straight forward. someone hard to approach. but who cares thou. use to it, immune to it also.
becos of the ups and downs, the wall ard me have thicken. i would do anything to protect myself from hurting again. even if i am to be the bad person.....

2010-06-26T11:02:00.002+08:00

经历许多的离别,我明白世上没有永恒.只有短暂的快乐.没有人希望身边的人离开,可是老天总是要开无情的玩笑在我的身上. 来不及把自己心里的话一一的当面说.就算现在说出,也没有意义了. 人离开了,不在出现在自己的面前,不在闻到熟悉的味道.就算打着熟练的电话号码,对方也不会是我要找的人.只要他们都能回来,我什么都愿意做. 不管有多难我都会尝试. 每天我都选择逃避,选择不要面对,可是没有人知道没天我有多难过.每天假装过的快乐,为了就是不要身边的人担心. 可是又有谁知道我过的很痛苦.很难过.这样的伪装真的好累. 如果真的有来世,我真的希望他们还是我的亲人.让我把今世未完成的责任能在来世有机会完成. 如果父亲还在,他会保护我们吗?如果爷爷还在, 我还会是他最疼的吗?如果啊嬷还在,她还会让我牵着她的手吗? 她真的接受我了吗?如果他还在,他还会想念我吗? 我永远都不会有一个答案.永远都不会知道. 接下来我还会失去谁?

如果拥有,而我会失去,我宁愿不要.我宁愿隔离自己.我不要在尝试失去人的痛苦. 没有拥有,就不会失去.如果一个人,我也不需要伪装自己,保护自己. 我就是我自己. 为我自己而活.不要在做任何人的牙签,去填补空间. 习惯做坏人,就算别人误会我,讨厌我,我都已经习惯了. 我也不会去在意. 原本就没有人真的了解我. 我永远努力着去了解别人而到最后自己的家人都不曾明白我是一个这么样的人.

2010-06-25T22:50:00.004+08:00

24 June 2010.

My father death anniversary. this is his 21st years. for the past ten years, i will always go down and pay my respect to him without fail. but this year i could not make it down. thou there is a valid reason for not going. but still i feel disappointed in myself. thou he has left us for so long, but still there are still times when i still miss him. he may not have been the best one, he may not have done his part as a father, but nevertheless he always stay in my heart. maybe none of of my step sibling remember him, my own sister does not remember. maybe he is glad that i still remember him. i was not his favourite one when he is ard. i know i am still not one now. but it no longer matter to me now. no matter how much he let us down, at the end of it, i know we are always related by blood.
without him i will not be ard. but many times, i wished i was not even ard. if my life is going to be so tedious, then why am i still holding on?

22 June 2010
my birthday today. had enjoy myself. this year was a much simpler one. first time i celebrated my birthday in such a simple manner. past years was always with groups of people. but nevertheless, simple was a totally new experience. i guess it is the peace within the whole event. the kind of peace where money cant buy. the peace is then the priceless. thou there is no big groups. but it is the company that counts in the end. i am always bliss to have close friend to be with me on my birthday. at least i know blessing comes from the bottom of their heart. oh ya, i have watched the sunrise with my godson. been a long time since i watch one. and i am thankful for the company and time. during that short few hours, i have learn a lot of things. and understood a lot of meanings behind it. and it all thanks to my godson. a simple and yet memorable one... wat more can i asked for.... :)

2010-06-15T22:49:00.003+08:00

这一生,也许是遗憾让一个人牢牢记得的回忆. 是痛的. 但渐渐的能把事情理所当然的讲出来,可能是自己慢慢的走出自己的过去. 就算哪天真的放下了,还是会记得这个回忆. 自己不是完美的, 可是找到对的人,才会显得是完美的. 每一个人,都在找属于自己对的人. 但是,当对的人出现时,自己是否会好好珍惜? 人与人之间本来就需要缘分. 不管是亲人,友情,爱情.

2010-06-11T23:28:00.002+08:00

sometimes is the regrets that make the memories more fonder. that will prolong or should i say freeze the memories. had gastric yesterday.. and i remember a liar once send food to my house. thou he jus book out from his camp, came to my house to send me to see doc becos the pain was unbearable, fetch me from school when my mum cant come and pick me. those are the memories that are preserve. and i know no one will be able to take it away. and i thank that stupid liar for tat. sometimes in life, we have to face the fact that one can never have the whole of everything. someone told me that i have forgotten to slow down my pace to remember that there are people who loves me. maybe i really forget how to slow down and takes another person hand, or maybe i have chosen to ignore, or maybe have forgotten how to take another person hand. i never like to be alone, but gradually i am able to do things on my own. and now to have another person doing it with me, will jus makes the whole thing out of place.
be it wat reason, i am glad to have my friends and god sons ard me. what more should i ask for thou. i should be contended... and i am... when they are happy, i will be.

2010-05-30T17:25:00.003+08:00

27 May, the day where i complete my mission. wen for the once a year 3 steps 1 bow praying. managed to kneel all the way. can imagine how happy i am. i was so excited that i sms my godson in the wee morning, 5am. haha. then called all the way to Aust and inform a friend of mine. i know is abit overboard, but i was really pleased and proud of myself. some how, i feel tat grandma is with me. but..... my leg ache like shit. still suffering now. but no choice... haha. till now i am still excited. so much so been excited, how i wish i could tell her in her face.... she will be happy...

2010-05-27T19:37:00.003+08:00

going for the 3 step 1 bow later at Guan Ming Shan. an event that hold once a year ard Vesak day. this will be the third time going. and i could still remember last year. on this lunar date, i drop by at my grandma place. she was so please when i say i am going. becos she herself is a devoted buddhism. she was upset of her own when she could go due to the leg problem. so i assure her that i will be going on behalf of her from then. i could still remember clearly that she was fussing over me like a mother hen. asking if i eaten. saying that i need to be on veg diet. she almost wan to buy for me when she knew i didnt have much food for dinner. saying i am to eat double the intake so that i have the energy. haha.... arnt she cute?! she will always be the cutest one in my heart... i miss her alot thou... not forgetting to mention that i missed my ah gong too.. he seems to have been nelegct.. ops.. but he will understand...

last nite was at ECP with my god son.... not much people ard. i could see the sea clearly from the place i sit.. actually when we were abt to leave, i was kind of unwillingly. becos the place holds fond memories. but when i breathe in the familar scent, i know i am happier now. and i know he is happy also... thank you.

anyway, i have learn not to be angry by wat Mr. 70 is doing now... becos idiot like him does not worth my energy on him.... yeah yeah.... i am glad to have my friends ard.... thank you people.... :) appreciate from the bottom of my heart... *wink*

2010-05-24T23:24:00.005+08:00

阿嬷的话

作词:萧煌奇作曲:萧煌奇编曲:胡官宏

在细汉的时阵阮阿嬷对我尚好
甲尚好的物伴拢会留乎我
伊嘛定定带我去幼稚园看人在七桃
看人在办公伙儿看人在觅相找
伊定定跟阮说叫阮着要好好仔读册
呒通大汉像恁老爸仔这么狼狈
在彼个时阵阮拢听拢呒
阿嬷你到底是在讲什么
大汉了后才知影阿嬷的话
我会甲永远永远放块心肝底

想可一步一步的过去
定定拢会乎人真难忘
时间一分一秒块过去
在阮的心内定定拢会想到伊
阿嬷你今嘛在叨位
阮在叫你你甘有听到

阮的认真甲阮的成功你甘有看到
阮在叫你你知影没
阿嬷你今嘛过的好么
甘有人块甲你照顾

希望后世人阮搁会冻来乎你疼
作你永远的孙仔
搁叫你一声"阿嬷"

a song which is i wan to give it to my grandma. don know if she will hear it or know. but these are the words i wan to tell her. i will wan to be her granddaughter the next life. and hopefully i will have the chance to know her better and do my part as a granddaughter. not to be in regrets like now whom have never done much for her. known her too late. and time limited... i know no matter how much i cried now, how much i ask for her, she will never come back to me. and this is the punishment i am getting for not been a good granddaughter back then.

2010-05-20T00:52:00.003+08:00

today, one of my colleague in my team left for her last day. kinda upset that she leave this company. when i joined the co, we were not on good terms. we jus dislike each other ba. but i guess we have our fair share of misunderstanding. it took 1/2 year to clear things up. cos is tiring to work in this kind of environment. to face people who gives you attitude. but few months later, she decided to leave.
thou i know that 天下没有不撒的宴席. but sometime, it is always hard to bid goodbye. suddenly i realise tat i have many people leaving. and is kind of tiring to bid goodbye. wen drinking jus now. and when i think back alot of things. and life is jus so ironic. maybe in terms of friends, colleagues, i should stop putting feelings in. becos when the person leaves, is painful. sometime no matter what i do for someone, the other party will only take for granted. and when in a group and you seems to be the person who know it all, people also take for granted. be it friends or colleagues, it seems to be the same. sometime i am jus sick and tired to know people character. at the end, nothing will come out of it.... sometime, so what if there is know. so what if i understand. somehow one day they will still leave and move on....

2010-05-19T10:42:00.004+08:00

19 May 2010

been missing from my blog for abt a month. Dave called and asked me if i am still alive last weekend. and YA of cos i am alive.. haha. i am always thankful for his concern thou he is always far far away......

for the past 1 month, it has been tough and stressful.. to have ended up with someone who is typically super glue, unreasonable.

let me recall now:-

we have known for less than 2 weeks and ended up together. but i didnt know that he is so super glue that. ended up he hogs on to my phone, comes to my workplace, come to my house. it was the mental stress that i cant take it. first time in my life that i have to get the police in to bring people away. i have the rite to charge him, but i didnt want to becos i respected him as someone else son. but at the end of it, he didnt respected me someone else daughter. of cos there are still things which i do not wan to note it here. all i can say for these 3 weeks of having that kind mental torture, and finally everything have come to an end. i am considering a celebration for this. haha. finally i can move on to another chapter. this time round, i learn my lesson thru the hard way. and i will never forget..

thou these 3 weeks have been hell. but i am lucky to have friends by my side. i guess god have been fair to me thou. esp my god son. i am thankful that he has been cheering me up with his jokes and actions. as for uncle Dave (ops, *wink* *wink*), please take note that i am alive and kicking... thanks for your concern also..... pls don call and nag at me tat i kept this from you ok....

2010-04-30T10:55:00.003+08:00

30 April 2010.

bad start of the week... admitted to hospital on the first day of the week... end up laying there for 10 odd hours... very very xian.. argh!!! lucky the doc have been good enough... the medicine have been so good tat i drift to sleep and waking up... at least i do get my rest... but is disturbin thou..
been so high on the medication tat i couldnt know what the doc have said... anyway, all the while i never bother much.
as for the rest of the week, think is so much worst than me admitting to hospital.... not worth mentioning anyway.... only can console myself tat things will get better.....

2010-04-22T16:47:00.004+08:00

22 April 2010.

don know if today is my lucky day or unlucky day...

overlook my deadlines, was scolded like hell for 15 mins.. was kinda worried that 8 Shenton Way will collapse. can imagine how loud and bad the screaming was. it was my fault so wat can i do.. keep quiet lo.. was kinda angry and embarssed. because everyone in the office could hear.. sh*t!!
gotta to miss my secretaries lunch at Marina Mandarin and stayed in office to rush out. End up i have to send the document to Changi Business Park by cab. lost the way. was at the rite floor, yet still took lift up. and a guy was looking at me as if i am from outer space because i was pressing the floor number... obviously it will not light up since i am at the floor. stupid rite!! suddenly big crowd came in when i want to leave the lift. couldnt go against the crowd, no choice i have to take the lift all the way up then come down again... i was like.... damm it!!!
was really really tired... with heels walking, running up and down, left and right.. like a mad woman. i was already having chest pain for these few days.. and now it has worsen the pain. couldnt breath jus now.. but the pain couldnt replace the one that is hurting within me.
i don know if the one up there is playing a joke on me. while on the cab to Changi Business Park, the uncle have drive the same route which i had pass on last Sat.. i was like...... speechless.. i know tat is the only way from my office to my destination. but was like why is my Client place at Changi?!

2010-04-20T17:38:00.002+08:00

Someone send this email to me... it was a wonder email... if i had what it state..... i would not be as upset rite now.... but i needed time also thou..... i guess i really have miss the chance... really really upset now... wat should i do now... i really really didnt mean to do it... sh*t.....

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided since I wasn’t busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On examining it I saw it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors and got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.
I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while! As she is a victim of Alzheimer's disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me but I still know who she is.' I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm and thought, ¨

'That is the kind of love I want in my life. True love is neither physical nor romantic'.

True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

Peace is seeing a sunset and knowing who to thank. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

Life isn't about how to survive the storm but how to dance in the rain.

The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs.
But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance, insurance called Faith, a driver called Almighty God, you will make it to a place called Success. Pass it on to ten people whom you want to see blessed.. Don't forget to send it back to the one who sent it to you.

2010-04-19T14:23:00.005+08:00

What Love means to a 4-8 year-old . . ..

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it.

Touching words from the mouth of babes.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds ,

'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined

See what you think:

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca - age 8

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.'

Nikka - age 6
(We need a few million more Nikka's on this planet!)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt , then he wears it every day.'

Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital , I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8

'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'

Chris - age 7

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (What an image!)

Karen - age 7

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'

Mark - age 6

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it , you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8
And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry , the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard , climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said,

'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need. Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent you this.

Heavenly Father, please bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! And may their life be full of Your Peace , Prosperity and Power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with You. Amen .

Then send it on to five other people, Within hours you will have caused a multitude of people to pray for other people. Then sit back and watch the power of God work in your life.

P. S. Five is good, but more is better.
God Bless You!

something nice and sweet to share.. how nice if i am still kids.. where i can still see things as wat it is. with no doubting...

2010-04-18T23:50:00.000+08:00

18 April 2010

had a bad gastric... have not been feeling well since this afternoon. not sure if is the emontional part or the pain part. i have been feeling very bad since then.... maybe both have play a part in it. the feeling is jus been so misearable.......

i have made a stupid decision. putting a stop when i start to love for someone. maybe that is what he is waiting for. waiting for me to put a stop. maybe at least he feel tat it would be better for me to voice out. yet i am waiting for a miracle. miracle.... is always so far for me. knowing miracle will not happen, yet still i waited... all i wan was a few simple sentence. but some how i know it will it will not come.. came into my life unexpectly, i was firm on my standing. believe tat it will work. but it has been otherwise. all i wanted was to hear him telling me again at least i have the courage and faith....

i don wan to trust anyone... not going to... i don wan to be hurt again... is painful.. didnt i tell myself the same 2.5 years ago... why did it is starting it over again...

2010-04-18T11:38:00.002+08:00

17 April 2010

first time after 2.5 years, i couldnt get to sleep properly ended up tossing on bed.. haiz... it took me a long time to move on. i have to admit that i have missed out alot of things in my life for the past 2.5 years. i took the courage to trust someone again, it was really a big big step. but will this courage paid off at the end or will it end up the same?
i didnt know how to be a good gf. when i asked more, they will think i am too bothersome, when i decided to let things takes its nature, they start to think my feeling has changed. no matter what route i take it always seems to be my fault... should i carry on this courage? i think i have the answer to this question...

2010-04-17T16:23:00.002+08:00

is raining very heavily now. i have always like rain.. when i am crying in the rain no one will notice because everyone is rushing for the shelter. no one will slow down becos of one person. and it didnt seem alone crying becos the sky is crying together with me.. when the rain splashed on the glass, it seems to be crying out for me when i am crying inside...

2010-04-15T13:32:00.002+08:00

2010-04-14T21:40:00.003+08:00

last week, dreamt of grandma. she was smiling at me. i don know if it was my illusion. but no matter what i wished it is not. becos i really hope she is really happy.. this is the third time i dreamt of her, and i have a strong feeling that this is the last time..

someone told me that things happen for a reason. many times, things happen when one least expected. thou i didnt expect, but the first thing tat comes to my mind is always whether this person will be ard for long enough. or how long the moment will last. over the years i have learn not to be be forceful on anything. if i don have, then let it be. if i have, it will be a bonus. but that does not mean i will give things up without trying...

2010-04-14T16:46:00.003+08:00

Deutschland Sucht Den Superstar
Cry On My Shoulder lyrics

If the hero never comes to you
If you need someone you're feeling blue
If you wait for love and you're alone
If you call your friends nobody's home

You can run away but you can't hide
Through a storm and through a lonely night
Then I'll show you there's a destiny
The best things in life they are free

But if you wanna cry
Cry on my shoulder
If you need someone
Who cares for you
If you're feeling sad
Your heart gets colder
Yes I show you what real love can do

If your sky is grey oh, let me know
There's a place in heaven where we'll go
If heaven is a million years away
Oh, just call me and I'll make your day
When the nights are gettin' cold and blue
When the days are gettin' hard for you
I will always stay here by your side
I promise you I'll never hide

2010-03-30T17:41:00.003+08:00

been a while since i last blog. been busy.. haiz.. wished i had 48 hours a day instead of 24 hours. haha. sound crazy. but i guess that i wat i wished when my time is always shortfall.

work have been fine. since the gap between my colleagues have drawn closer, i guess the whole environment is so much at ease. happier to come in to work in the morning. and always happy to end the work with peace. guess for the first half year i joined the whole environment is bad and unhealthy. after all, i personally think that there is new stuff learned. glad thou...:) jia you!!

Went to pray my dad, grandpa and grandma on sat (27/3/2010). kind of weird this year.
when my grandpa passed on, i have to adjust to praying two fellows. seems busy to shuffle between two urns.. so and after 7 years down the road, my grandma joined in. now i have to shuffle between three urns. my mum comment that the numbers of cups of coffee increased. i know she meant it a joke. but somehow, the feeling was jus so terrible. and came to realise that she has left us for 4 months. and it seems jus like yesterday. i cried for awhile when i was praying to her. becos it reminds me when she complain that i wen to pray my grandpa each year. i guess is the jealously ba. haha. she always comment that she wonders if we will pray to her if she passed on. i hope i have not failed her yet thou.. i miss her greatly. and not forgetting to mention that i miss my grandpa and dad greatly too... thou i have not mention to anyone but ya, i missed them alot too...

2010-03-17T22:53:00.003+08:00

17 March 2010

been reading on a book call Johnny Angel or Angel Johnny. which ever it should mean the same.. haha... a story where a guy left the world suddenly. everyone who know them are devasted, not knowing how to get on with their own life. he left behind his family, his beloved of 4 years.. guess the pain is unbearable thou. but somehow he came back to his mum life (only his mum sees him after his death).... and is ....... becos i have yet to finish it... so i also don know what happen...

at this point of time... i wonder.. if he could come back and let me see... letting me talk to him.... stupid him thou.. then again, he may have been ard, jus tat i never get to see him thou... still miss him thou.. but at least happily rather then sadly... becos someone have reminded me of memories... reminded me wat memories means.

2010-03-16T22:49:00.003+08:00

16 march 2010...

Seen my doc today... doc was surprise to see me.. after a few months of missing in action... as usual the same old stuff from him.. haha... he is not tiring of saying the same stuff, but i told him i am today.. haha... think he is not offended by wat i said.. becos he laughed it out also. haha... but he more concern this time and wonder if i am been stress laterly... becos the increase and decrease are all on the wrong sides. kind of use to it thou... is true that i am under slightly more stress due to work, due to other personnel life....

i know i shouldnt pin anything from a person whom i barely know....but something deep down tells me that i should jus hold on to it... maybe it has become a source of strength for me to hold on to it, at least for now... hopefully it will only be for a while only... becos i never like to be dependable on people..... maybe he didnt understand me enough anyway.. becos he has always insisted that i was not ready for committment... did i mention in the first place? haha.. i don know either...

yesterday had some chat up with a long lost friend.... a secondary school friend.. due to some misunderstanding back then, we didnt talked for many years. even if we meet up, we only have hi and bye... it has been 13 years since we last contact.... times flies... and at the same time, we have grown up... we know how to handle things in a more proper way.. unlike in the past where we are childish and naive.... thou we have laugh off how silly the misunderstanding was.. but the important thing is us been able to clear the misunderstanding and move on.. able to stay in contact is something which i asked for....

2010-03-15T22:49:00.002+08:00

15 March 2010.....

had a hetic day.... with work and personel life.... i never seem to have enough time.... not sure how many more hours is equal to enough....

tomorrow gonna see doc... kind of tiring... cos doc always tell me the same.... haiz... tiring... sometime life is ironic... i never like to see doc.. cos he always said the same old thing. but becos i once promised someone i will not skip my appt.. that is why i made the appt on my accord... silly thou, ironic part is when i never understand why i kept this promise esp when i don even know who this person is exactly...... i take it as an angel reminding me to treasure my life... and is an angel who don know me well either.... funny ah.... guess that is life....~~

2010-03-12T01:07:00.002+08:00

Nicholas sparks novel have never once disappoint me.. "At First Sight" the number 4th books i read from the same author. managed to read this in between bus ride. and i always have hard time putting it down. the suspense, then the ending. but the ending is never a happy ending kind. have used to watch movies, read novels with happily ending kind of ending. but somehow that is not found in reality, the actual life. every day everyone of us are dealing with life and death. no matter how happily the person is living, there will be a point when he/she loses someone dear... no matter how rich the person is, he/she will have to let go something precious forever.
so far the books i have read, the lead will sure to lose someone some how or rather. and every time i finish reading, i will starts to think things. and starts to see that this kind of ending is wat reality is. every time after finishing, there will be a pain, and sadness. but when i read the whole book again, i will yet find the joy, happiness and blissfulness they shared back then. in life, when we are sad over something, but if do take the time and trouble to think back, the same old joy will still come back. the letting go is the tough part. but the memories is the one that lives in us... though logic, but i myself have yet to have done it... it is never easy.
been ard on this earth for 29 years, reflecting back now. i know the joy will be gone if i were to leave out the sad part. and this is then wat reality means... not once upon a time then to happily every after....

how scary when you tell someone i like you and the next moment the same word to another person. how hard is it to trust how real the person meant. and i suppose is really hard. becos human are no longer simple like wat it used to be. not sure how much i can trust someone anyway where the fact i know i wish to place the trust somewhere...

2010-03-11T16:10:00.004+08:00

finally, my work are clearing one by one.. really shack out... colleagues are reminding me that there are always endless work. no matter how much i do, is impossible to have zero work load. then again, what can i do...

someone asked me why do i take bus to and fro for my work instead of train, where it will be faster. is about 1/2 hr time difference. he known me kinda of well thou.. knowing that i always have my own set of reason behind. even if is stupid or ridiculous one. after all who would wan to waste that extra 1 hr daily for nothing.. the real reason? because.... of these!!!

i get to see the Singapore Flyer everyday... Be it in the morning or night. This is the last place i accompanied my grandma to. the first and last time.... thou i promised her that i will bring her to the flyer in the nite, and assuring her that she will be fascinated by the nite scenes. no chance of course. .... is not abt me been sad or down. i have slowly get rid the sadness although i still missed her alot. every time i passed by.. i will always tell myself silently that i had another great day and i know grandma will be proud of me.. i guess the Flyer become the messenger to grandma. passing all the messages to her for me... ya is ridiculous tot.. but this is me... haha..
Many time, i will start to wonder who is taking the C1 capsule at that moment. if i have the chance to go again with someone special, i will sure to take the same capsule. and tell him the memories i had with grandma at the same place... she had been a great lady thou i have known her too late... :)

2010-03-10T21:59:00.002+08:00

laterly been very sick.. managed to crawl back to office today. and whole lot of stuff waiting for me... haiz... and have to clear one by one... messages after messages.. instruction after instruction....
anyway, managed to clear up the air with him. of cos is me texting him first. but it has been really good. becos i don like things hang in the air esp when i really do see him as a friend... to clear up the misunderstand is always better to have the misunderstanding going on and on... the kind of feeling is never a nice one. getting the wrong the impression.. erm... i don like thou...
hard to explain when he asked me why i took the first step.. actually i myself also don know the reason why.. but the topic always drift too far away...

2010-03-08T14:26:00.003+08:00

hoping that he will be online at the usual hour, hoping when my phone beep he will be the one sms-ing.... hoping that he will still be Mr. Soulmate... Wat was i doing anyway at that time!

2010-03-02T00:08:00.002+08:00

once someone told me that to be in love with someone, it shouldnt be rational. becos all it takes is to have the feelings... and my problem is becos i am too rational.. having the rite and wrong in its clear line. yes and no by guts feeling. even there is a day i meet someone, i wouldnt be able to make it happen. becos of been rational. she knows the reason too well... and yet she has always asked me not to give it up.. to look for the happiness. i tot i could do it.. but somehow things happen at the wrong time and made me think harder. when i tot i can be ready for another one.. giving it a second tots... when the time i was admitted to hospital due to my irregular heartbeat leading to dizziness.... i know how hard it is to be not rational. during that time, i remember someone telling me that, i will not skip my doc appt, to take my medicine regularly becos of him... someone cares.. but i wonder how real it is... maybe he is jus been nice... encouraging me on.
all the more, i know i shouldnt tear away the wall i bulit.. the number of years, the number of hurt... thou no one so far have really tried hard enough to tear it down. somehow i am glad. becos i know how hurt it is for the one living to be thinking of someone who left. i know how hard it is to move on.... i didnt wan anyone to go thru this becos of me. after all, i am not the next of kin. i realise, i rather people to hate me... people says i am selfish one. blocking people from my life...
but back to the start, no one have yet to try hard enough to tear away the wall....
doc have comment to ask me go the operation.. yet after the removal, i would need to take medication for life... can no longer be like now, skipping my medicine once a while.. not forgetting the complications involved. i know something is holding me back... to me life is never simple.... and all i wish for is to lead a simple life...

2010-02-26T12:01:00.003+08:00

26-Feb-2010

JZ, who joined my company for attachment, is leaving today.. he has been with us for 27 weeks. all things end some how or rather... he is a young promising boy who will be flying back to Aust to continue his studies. still remember the time when i directed him to my MD for interview. and the following week he came in.. he is only 24 years old. how i envy his age.. hahaha.

remember the time when i orientate him to our colleagues. he was so shy and so pai say.. keep telling me, no need to intro all.. he is a young boy i guess.

today he came back jus to have lunch with us.. is nice of him that he gave me a little card... thou nothing expensive.. but is the words inside the card warmth me... telling me the joy we had when we have our lunch in our conference room.. and the kind of prank i played on him. back then he was so scared.. now to think about it, i still laughed as much back then..

he will leaving Sin tomorrow morning.. nevertheless i still wish him all the best in his bright future.. hopefully we can meet up when he finished his studies which will end this year...

2010-02-24T20:37:00.004+08:00

24 Feb 2010....

Didnt have the chance to watched Dear John, timing is jus not rite... will try to watch it before Friday.. which means i am left with a day...

my grandma jus had her brain operation to remove the tumour.. from the time i am awake, i have been worried.. calling my aunt in malaysia, to see if they have any updated news, calling my mum to see if she has any news? haiz... her op finishes ard 3... thou my uncle have inform that she is now awake and ok.. but my mum still wans to go back.. and i will follow her.. cos by the time she reach there it will be late... so managed to grab some novels for me to kill my time over the weekend...

and i pray that all the suffering my grandma and grandpa is going thru can be transfer to me.. even if they passed on, i also hope they can passed on with the minimun suffering.. they are the grandparent i have now... and i wonder if the one up there is putting me to testes again... argh!!

2010-02-23T23:06:00.003+08:00

23 Feb 2010..

I went to ECP alone.. something which i have yet to do since many years. i will always drag someone to go down with me. to disract me thou. didnt have the courage to go down alone, knowing how upset i will be...
today was his birthday.. and the day we started offically 15 years ago after celebrating his birthday together with his friends.
agenda to go, i don know... i reached there before 1, cycle ard.. the route we used to ride... pratically i cycle the whole park.. took me more than 2 hours... the walked ard. wen back to the same stone break we use to sit. back then he lied to me that i am sitting on turtle, and stupid me... believe wat he said.. haha.. back to the sand where he wrote "i Love you", where we stamp our feet to the sand to verify we were there... the place where i fell and hurt myself and he piggy back me to the nearest convenience store... everything seems to have happen only yesterday. we have done alot of stupid things there... playing frisbee (mainly me the monkey), flying kite (where i am always the one doing the running), studying there (thou he is always the attention instead of my books).
i can still remember the first day we meet. thou long story.. met him first time on my pen pal BBQ. he is the quiet kind.. not much conversation exchanged thou. only after i helped the bd boi to give out the cooked food, after all most of the time i am not the person to do the cooking... that was the chance we spoke.. no contact number have been exchanged. until the next one.. we had bowling session. the group were laughing and enjoying.. he joined in the play too.. and he acc me home. i was only 13 years old back then.. we remained for friends for 6 months before been together.. the 2.5 years been with him, we have done alot of stupid things like i mention. even there is only two of us, we always get to have the enjoyment. simple and yet memorable one... he even suggested that should we have the chance to get married, our wedding shot will be located at ECP and i laughed at him for been stupid..

anyway back to today, i stayed on to watched the sunset... refreshing the things we talked, the future we wanted...once i asked him, if one can love two person at the same time.. his replied was no, becos he cant survive on two half hearts.. somehow this words enlighted me something... and i have promised myself that today will be the last day of me missing him... his memories will be packed neatly and locked in a corner of my heart.. thou i have cried, thou it has been sad.. but nevertheless, when i left the place, i felt happy.. to really have put it behind. it took me 6 years.. maybe his soul have lure me there, to make me understand that i have to move on.. to find someone to take care of me. but with him in my heart, it will never be possible... and i know he has been constantly there for me... important lesson i have learned:- love is like a wind, you can never see it, but you will always feel it. no matter where you are.. and this has given me the strength to move on... no more lookin back.

forgot to mention, the ending part was kinda of piss.. no cab, phone dead.. and i think i had walked half the park... tired and worst part sunburned... argh...
Now am looking forward to tomorrow movie... Dear John...

2010-02-23T09:20:00.003+08:00

Finally JY Bd gift is done... thou didnt like it very much, but no choice this is the best i can do... haha... glad that he is happy with it...

went to Raffles City for dinner and drinks... The food is considered not bad thou.. and the fun part is to have all gather together... Chats and laughed happily... Sometimes i wonder... if anything happen to JY, wat will happen to me? he had been a steady brother..

2010-02-21T23:18:00.003+08:00

come across this quote:-

"sometime, i put up wall, not to keep people out.
But to see who cares to break them down..... "

kinda meaningful... :)

2010-02-21T21:20:00.003+08:00

ended at boat quay for drinks after my visitation to my colleague's house. while waiting for another to come, we sat at the riverside.. managed to enjoy fireworks. thou for a short period, but kinda enjoyed it.. fireworks is alway short-lived, but during it short-lived period they are always beautiful and breath taking one.. and i always like fireworks alot. but didnt have the chance to take pics/video... but well, that is wat firework are meant for.. to remember it forever.

and while, drinking i saw a long lost friend.. once she called me sister in law.. she is so much younger. and when i get to see her after 4.5 years... she is now 6th month pregnant. i am so surprised and yet so happy for her. becos she has grown up to be a lady. and glad that she called out to me.. and i pray that she will be happy as always.. the once upon little gal have grown up... :)

looking forward to 25/2.... Dear John.... looking forward to this movie... :)

2010-02-21T01:54:00.003+08:00

manage to have the courage to go into my grandma house. a last place i wan to go..

some minor changes thou. but her favourite usual chair is still at the same place. the sofa which she pass on is still there. the whole family pic is still there. wen to her room, the usual bedding is no longer there.. but she is not there. miss her presence, miss her nagging.. it was her 100th day. thou no one really say anything, but at least i know some missed her as much as i do..

i am trying to live life to the fullest. i need time.. thou time will heal, but the missing and memories will never heal...

2010-02-19T10:41:00.003+08:00

it has been months since i last updated... erm as usual busy with work, friends..2009 christmas has passed, a brand new year 2010.. and lunar new year is still round the corner... wonder if this year will be a better year? or worst? haha. still i pray for the better...

ever since grandma left, i have been drowning myself in alcohol and work. with the same people.. becos i feel ease when crying in front of them. after all... this is not the first time. i really missed her.. i know people ard me told me tat i got to think of better side. but have anyone know that i am trying very hard. yet all tot that i was jus been emo, dwelling in it.. and ya, i am still trying hard.. mayb not hard enough, so can the people ard me actually give me time... still remeber last year i mention to her that i would like to taste her soup when she told me she is weak to cook.. her soup have been the best. and now, i never have the chance le.. alot of thing undone... and yet again another chapter of regrets.. and will i have another? i really don wan to go thru the same chapter..

job is getting more stressful, and tired.. will be burning more energy in it again.. to divert my tots.. still looking for the shoulder to lean on.. and this time to lean on longer... someone reminded that should my shoulder come, i must never let it go again... but am i entitle to this so called happiness? i don know.. no longer have faith.. will not know if any one is able to touch me... and lead me out of the wall i build.. to let me trust again.. to accept who i am..

gtg.. today grandma 100th day... unbelieveable....

2009-11-22T12:23:00.002+08:00

人生本来就是无常。原本当天就要去探望阿嘛，可是还是太迟。又是一个遗憾。没有把重点告诉她。真的好难过。可是我又能向谁说。我也是一个人，有血有肉的人，也是有喜怒哀乐。现在的我会把自己的心情隐藏的更好。父亲，公公都不在。现在连婆婆都不在。好不容易得到的谅解，认同都化为乌有。太多的回忆。或许我的心在也容纳不了任何别人。有太多人已经移民到我心里了。永远记得当初你愿意让我握着你的手。在你住院时，我扶着你走才发现你瘦了好多。好多事都来不及了。阿嘛，我爱你。希望你可以在另一个世界拥有幸福。我知道我在过不久，我需要把这个难过，思念都要打包起来。当是你，公公，父亲和那个特别的他都会是我牵挂的。我也明白或许这个牵挂会一直增加。加油！！我的人生会是更好的。好好的加油。我的视线不会有爱情，娱乐，只有向“钱”看。哈哈。

2009-10-10T22:59:00.002+08:00

i have lost the shoulder for me to cry on. once i took it for granted and now it serve me right that i lost it. now and here i am looking for the shoulder... but it never and will never come again. silly me... what was i thinking?
soon my grandma will be leaving me for good. and yet i didnt know who i should look for. and of a sudden everyone shun me away. all i wanted was for someone to lend their shoulder for me to cry on.. and yet now is so hard. i hated myself now. for been a good for nothing.

2009-09-29T23:54:00.005+08:00

it has been so long since i last update. been so busy with my life... but the funny thing is when i realise the reason i am doing it. been tired, tired and still tired. sometime at the end of the day, i realise other than my family, there is nothing else that is worth me fighting..
i have been asking myself... if there is a day where i gone.. will there be people remembering me like the way i remember him?
i have to admit to myself that i still rememeber him... or should i say i am still hoping that one day i woke up and realise that i had this nitemare for a while... everyday, been busy it seems like the best way to stop thinking about him.. but i alway laugh and tell myself... that me always telling people to lighten, and yet me myself cant get over it.. today... i have decided that it is time to get over it.. to be what i should be.. to be the person i once was... i have forgotten what i was like... but i know i have to try... even if i cant try, i have to be rite.. after all, there is no right and wrong.... yes or no...
how nice if bad memories can be blown away by the gust if wind... everyday i have been remindin myself to be strong. to carry on... but there are time when i wan to tell them... i am human and i really wish i could give up all... and to do things that i want... but i can never.. becos.....

2009-09-03T10:28:00.001+08:00

如果能有选择，我会希望你比我早离开。痛的感受，遗憾的滋味，难过得伤，是我现在还在承受的。知道有多难受，不希望你也一样。人生本来就会经历生老病死，也知道这世上没有不散的宴席。我想问你是否真的还记得我，想我? 因为在很久以前我体会到温暖，所以不甘心失去。慢慢的我才记得黑暗和寒冷的世界本来就是我最熟悉的世界。。。冷漠才是我的天性。

2009-09-03T10:28:00.000+08:00

2009-08-03T15:07:00.003+08:00

almost to two months since last updated. new job, new kind of stress. have drain all my time to my new job. but at least i am happy with what i am doin now. a sense of belonging, a sense of satisfaction. however, maybe i choose to divert my attention to my work instead. certain part of my personal life is in a mess. terrible mess i guess. some how, i have also realise that once made a mistake, it will cause the whole thing to screw up. esp when the person are alway ignorant to things. after a long hard one and half months, i decided that i could no longer care less what the rest think of me, becos they will never agree on my point. and i know that they will never be bother what i think or why i think. i guess, at certain point of time, a word "sorry" cant take away the hurt. or maybe "sorry" is not what i wanted either, jus more concern. but yet... it is so far away. i have my family matter problem which is far more important than getting the concern now. afterall, no one have knew what happen to my family. then again, so what if they know.. they will never understand. to them i am jus a petty person, one who bear grudges... then let it be... becos maybe i really am one..

2009-06-11T02:15:00.002+08:00

If there is last song, i never tot where i will be. to be i am always thankful to those who have been there when i am lost. when i am down. and if there is last song, i wan to give it to them. becos they have given me things which money can buy... i can say now that is the best thing i spend the day this way wherever i am. when i am happy, i share my joy. when i am glad, i laugh out loud. but when i am sad, i always hear some one tellin:" look back and i will be there pushing you forward from behind. there are always time when you forget who you are , remember those memories and you realise you are smiling inside." but that is not wat i wan.
whenever i am down, i only tot of you. and naturally now dave become my float. becos only him, i can recall you,remember you without any guilt, without worryin. becos he understand. how can the rest understand. i alway tot your memories will one day sooner or later fade away... but it has never. when i am sad, there is no listening ear. when i am crying there is no shoulder. when i am happy you are not there anyway. do you know i am alone now, drying my tears on my own. you are not there anyway, and where have you been. didnt you promise that you will always be there for me. promising me that you will still be there even when you are not around, always by my side. why now, i cant sense your presence anymore. you have left becos you also cant stand me right. if i am alone now, i would have choose to be with you. but i cant and here i am miserable. at the end of all, who can understand me. my mum? she is one whom i wan her to worry less about me. my sister? she is so outstanding that i didnt wan to bother/worry her. my kid? they will never understand. my friends? what else can they say other than telling me to think of the brighter side. there isnt anyone who i can bear my everything to now. no one.
why is it so hard for me! your presence is getting lesser and lesser, and if one day this presence becomes 0, i don know what i should do. it has been 12 years since we broke off, and 5 years you left here does anyone really know the pain i am going thru then and now. i have been forcing myself to be happy. no one know. i am weak right!! even when i am drunk, i don always have the right to break down. why? becos everyone see me as someone strong enough to go thru whatever comes? i am not.. and that is why i never once been really dead drunk. why is it so unfair. why do i always have to cry alone, if is becos everyone think i am strong enough to walk thru, then i hope i can take down the mask i had all along...

2009-06-05T00:53:00.001+08:00

if 3G was been intro 6 years ago, mayb i wouldnt live in such deep regret. there would still be regrets, but at least i guess the regret is not as deep as now. maybe i would be able to see his last time. it mayb sad but at least i am the last person he see. how foolish of me.
after so long, there are always time when i miss you and hope to see you around. i didnt want to hang those words constantly, becos many would find me silly. but there are times when i come home from my drinking session and hoping to find you ard my house area. when i am in the lift reaching my floor, i was hoping to see you when the door open. when i am at our usual hanout place, i was hoping to see you there. but none would happen anymore rite. it is jus wishful tot of my own. there was a time when i wished i could hate you instead. but i guess is hard to do that.

you have once say that you will be ard me to see me thru, but are you? i am moving on fine now. did you actually arrange for me?
i have come to understand alot of things in life. we were not fated to be together. there maybe some life after that we end up together. but for now, i really wan to tell you how thankful i am towards you. becos you have given me memories for me to hold on to, thou may be short but is more than i can ask for. somehow becos of you, you gave me the strength to move forward my life leaving behind painful and fearful life to have the currently one life i have. having my family ard me, and havin my pals ard me. to me, the price for what i have now, is somethin too much to bear. becos i have lose you forever. you will always be a memory for me. i have always tot tat without you my life will never be complete. but i have realise that the memory you gave me made me stronger. and i am proud to say i have grown up.

2009-05-29T02:57:00.003+08:00

life is never easy. no matter what path i took, what directions i took, it always end up with mistakes, wounded.. whenever i am down,i alwasys remind myself to be strong for the people ard me. remindin myself that i live not only for me. but this time, i didnt wan to. mayb this cystal ball of mine fell once again, and this time, it is shattered into tiny pieces. too tiny for me to pick up. i know i am letting everyone down, but somehow i wanted to tell them how tired and worn out i am from the constant picking up. but why is it always so hard for me to. why do i always have to act as if i am the strongest. why do i have to act happy when i am not. why cant i jus break down and have a good cry in front of everyone.. is tiring to be acting, but i know no one will feel good if i stop the act. everyone will start to feel the pity for me. wouldnt it be nice if i don have a family, don have friends ard me. i can do whatever i wan without feelng the gulit to them.... if this time i can survive thru, i will be better person. but if i cant then i think all i can do is to apologise to those who cares for me.

2009-05-28T13:51:00.002+08:00

Tabidachi no Uta by. Mr Children

Don’t be afraid.
Light up the lamp with anything you can get your hands on
A night of loneliness will someday break into dawn
On days when you fall down, I will be able to sense it in the faraway distance
And when you try again after getting up, you will somehow manage to make it, won’t you?
The song you have once loved is now being played across town
That is an unexpected gift given to me in such a casual manner
Ah, a Song of Departure
Where are we going? Ah, perhaps we will meet each other somewhere
But it will be “farewell” for now
When a time which someone starts forgetting me comes,
I will be calling you
However, even if you can hear me, I don’t need an answer
When something dear that you have once lost comes back to you again
Start all over again, just like a cycle it is
Until now, I was not able to cry or smile is something I’m wishing hard for you to say
As I thought, you are longing for someone
Even though you like to say that you are unable to do it due to hesitationIn that manner of yours, you continue to leave your mark on everyday
No matter what place you are at
Ah, the last song we sung in celebration in the beginning
I’m still waving my hands to it even now, Ah
Saying farewell to the grief and sorrow
When your legs stop due to exhaustion, do look back for a little while
I will be pushing you forward from a place you cannot reach
Ah, a Song of Departure
Where are we going?
Ah, perhaps we will meet each other somewhere
But it will be “farewell” for now
When I start to forget somebody
I will try to vaguely remember him
Look, a smile exists in me because of you
I will be pushing you forward from behind
However, I don’t need an answer

Ai No Uta ByFukui

The gentle wind always blows on the road. I want to meet you, but is it okay for such a thing

There’s small heart beats and our feelings will overlap I’m just waiting for them to dissolve quietly into each other
Why do people yearn for answers?Although I’m happy with this, what is happiness?
Can you hear the Song of Love?It’s a small love

In order to smile, it seems we’re drawn close By your tender sound . Time flows, dreams flowThey change various shapes

I’ll be fine, right here with you
You become aware of the voice that you’re calling

I reach my hand out to the things I lost
Why does this mark the end of time? But I’ll still continue to follow the sky of tomorrow
Can you hear the Song of Love It’s about a small love

Winking one by one The sound is dear. During that day with the starsI shed tears. I’ll be fine, right here with you
It’s sometimes a distant wishI’m probably trying to grasp unreasonablyWhile laboring with my handsGradually it’s diminishing I’ll become more confident in a small love

Rather than a big one Someday when the flowers are blooming

A great love will growIn order to sing,

In order to play. The two of us will become close.Can you hear the Song of Love. It’s about small love In order to smile, it seems we’re drawn close

By your kind sound Time flows, dreams flow. They change various shapes. I’ll be fine, right here with you. We’ll laugh together and I’ll be fine

2009-05-23T23:14:00.002+08:00

sometime, i don understand what life is... what living on meant? life is like a cystal fallen to the ground... all shattered, with all glass pieces lying around... yet, it is so hard to find all pieces...big pieces here and there.. not forgetting on the smalled pieces.. even when one find all, no way we can glue back to what it use to be... with no lines, no crack... and mine now has fallen and shattered. too lazy to pick up, and cant be bother to glue back... what is the point anyway to fixed it up...when nothing i have done seems rite... i have always picked and fixed many times, after many times of doing that, somehow i realised the cracks are always there, it is never flawless again.. not forgetting that many times having myself cut and hurt when picking up the shattered pieces..

2009-05-20T23:52:00.000+08:00

when life seems so down, the road infront is so dark, no one would wan to carry on.and now i am just like tat... not much know wat i am going thru. no one know how scary it is... only myself. and in the end who can i go to? when one realise that everyone hve got their lives to go on, and didnt have time to stop by and check on you, is that the end of all... i tot i can go thru it. i tot i can survive thru... but at the end of all, life it is not the case. ending everything may seem to be better for everyone. for myself, for the one around me. even when someone realise i am not ok, even when they wan to show their concern, i think i am too tired to share it.everyone seems to be occupied with their life and what is the point of telling. how much have anyone actually know me? they only know the appearance of me. that is all i can say. what they see is only the surface. but the one inside is all filled up with stress, pressure, unhappiness...... i am tired, and soon i think i am going to end it all up, when one thing that is hanging in me settle...

2009-05-17T17:40:00.002+08:00

i went for the 3 steps 1 bow last week... i ws as kinda touched when my grandma was been concern over me. as i went over her house before it since it was so near to her house. asking me if i have eaten, even voluteer to go and buy for me thou she was not convenient on her movement. sharing her past experience wit me... wanted to give me her "hai qing" when she knew i have "gui yi".. back then i was really happy. some how, i am one who have never had her attention on me. i was really really glad. somehow it was like my prayer answered. when she was holding on my hands when she was walking since her legs are kinds of weak. the kind of warmth that comes from her is special. she may not know how much i want her attention, she may also not know what i have done, but i am really glad that she cares for me. some how this is enough...
when i was younger, i didnt like her.. in fact i hated her to core... yet, the hated was dissolve at the price of my beloved one.. and i know he is happy up there.... becos this is wat he wants...

a date to remember: 16 May 2009..... (the special warmth i first experience)

2009-05-17T13:43:00.002+08:00

been so long since i last update my blog...
life have not been good lately... and didnt when things are always not good, one will always think negative... i kept encouraging myself to be postitve... maybe i have kept myself been postitve, it seems so hard to be positive now.. really very hard. i may be fortunate in one way or another... but sometime, life is really hard to go on... i don know what i can do.. argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-17T16:35:00.003+08:00

to fell for someone is nice. but to fell for one that oneself know is wrong, is a terrible thing.
something where you know there is no begining, let alone the ending. didnt know how to say becos of the fear of losing this close friend. yet is stuffy to keep it inside. argh!!! and this is happening on me... freaking xian...... why have this happen on me without myself realising it.. did i actualy realised it long ago and yet pushing away to avoid???!!!! and i think this time i need a long long time to go thru this. :( :(

2009-04-16T16:19:00.000+08:00

jus came back from Batam -Bintan. As usual, skin more tanned, put on weight... cant be blame, who can resist good food anyway. this trip was fun thou. slightly more adventures in it. taking smaller boat from Batam to Bintan. kind of like the roller coaster ride. haha. at least we reached there in 1 piece. since the first time i wen to bintan, i didnt have my D cam yet. so this time of cos with lots of pics back la. haha. i miss the sun, the beach, the sea, the sand.... almost everything.
our last nite we wen to their pub and end up walking back the "wu lu" road to our room. at least consider lucky that i was with ZR. kind of creepy, but bo bian. no pain no fun. haha. at least this trip we have known each other better... thinking of going to bintan in June.. my bd month....at least a slight different way of celebrating my bd ma...
still missing my trip thou, but bo bian.. back to singapore means i need to face the reality to be hardworking.. haiz....
endure for 2 months............... :(

Lyna

Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day. - By Dalai Lama

Deutschland Sucht Den SuperstarCry On My Shoulder lyrics

Deutschland Sucht Den Superstar
Cry On My Shoulder lyrics