First day of CNY have ended. i missed the days when i go to my grandma house in the early afternoon, dressed up nicely. Going over to her house was one of my usual routine during CNY. Not because of i can collect red packet despite my status. From afar, i can smell her nice soup. She only made this soup once in a year. and not forgetting her bamboo shoot dish. I don like eating it, but i only love hers. because i am always the earliest, She will alway ask me if is nice. She cant taste it because she eats veg food since is the first day of the lunar calendar. She will always asked if the soup is peppery enough, asked if i have enough. I have also become her food taster. Maybe those concern was wat i never see before. I missed her so much. She promised me to make me the soup since the last new year i had with her, she didnt have the strength to make it. But she broke her promise. But this is not the worst. I promise her the next year i will have reunion dinner with her, but she took the chance away. never once in my life i have reunion dinner with her. We both broke our promises. I really missed her so much. and maybe that is the reason why i never wan to celebrate cny again. becos cny is always so painful for me. these are all memories. memories that i held on so tight that it is so painful. it will always remind me of the promises we both made and yet we both cant fulfilled. Though i stil have my brothers, my cousins around. but it has all become so meaningless. if i have a choice, i would want to trade off with her.
I still remember when she found out that i wen to pray grandpa, she was asking me if i will do the same for her, i told her i will. Yet last year i totally forgot about it. Promise that i will made it up to her. Though i know she will understand that i am tied up with work and study now, but i am always reminding myself that is not a reason.

Been busy with stuff.. Too busy with many things things coming at the same time. New added roles and responsibility in work, embarking into study life again. When people were studying I am busy raising my kids. When people are enjoying patenting life I am starting my studies. Wring timing serious jet lag. It will be tough but got to hang on to it. A lot if my friends started their parenthood laterly. The feelings are mixed when I see mine. I was really excited when one of my close sec friend gave birth. I guess everyone is trying hard to adapt to new lifestyle. Is never easy any way.
I have most of the things I wanted - a sweet bf (although not always sweet one, ops) 3 kids (although they like pissing me off) , wat more do I wan to ask for....

EM audit is driving me crazy..Argh!!! Why would they like to dig out things tat is one year ago and worst part involved parties are not assisting... Lucky only involve few contractor. More night mare coming- BP side is coming in soon and I have 30++ contractors. Gonna pull my hair..... Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Work is getting more heatic... More on board guys from other country.... Keeping my finger cross that it will be better.... I an already having problems with the current contractor due to poor communication and they don check their email. Erks... Cant blame them too cos places like Philippines have got problem with the connection due to the recent flooding. Too much following up. If my consultant is helpful still not bad but if is mr 155 I gonna die..... Like what all has said I am personal assistant of his. Honestly speechless... I don mind do all the work but once it reach payroll period I gonna die... My planner and calender are all filled with dates of rotation, pass application... Everything related with work.... Imagine when they only work few days and tell u they wan to resign... Really wan to kill them... T_T due to all this added stuff added i really don have energy to work in the evening... Gonna let me brain cell rest. Tat is why I rather choose to continue at the current place instead to look for new evening job.. Not much space to squeeze in new stuff... Haiz... ~_~'' gonna have a great day on this the with dear dear... No work, no rotation...but checking of email and replying email is a must.... :(
Hmm.... :) we gonna work extra hard to make things work...

Been drinking for all these while... Been grumbling and all. Alway wanted to ask the reason face to face. And here I am, choose to shunning my friends and all. I realize something. God has been nice to give me a period of time filled with happiness. Maybe I know from the start it will be taken away. I choose to take it for granted. Choose to be the upper hand one. So tat when it really been taken away I will not feel tat upset will not feel so odd. Close colleague told me, by wearing a jacket does not means u can cover the scars. I almost burst out but I force myself to keep cool. And now I actually ask why is god only fair to me these period of time only? I realize all these while I never deserve this. Given to me becos at least once I had it. I hated this. Is really a torture for me. I never hate him, all I blame myself for not being good enough. I rather someone hate me then I hate the person. I keep asking myself why I am not even entitle to this one more chance tat I asked. And I know because I have abuse this chance all the while. Much as I want to spring clean everything but is hard. But in order to make things easier for us, is better for me to drop everything or least show tat I have put down. After all guys always move on fast enough. And as for me, I should have been use to the hurt by now. Everyone close to me has throw me behind. Leaving me alone. Leaving myself to fend on my own. I have seems some of the people true self as well. I know who is good and who us not. I know he no longer read my blog since I have del eveythimg away making thing so ugly. But in case one day he pop by and mange to see this post. I really wan to thank him. Thanks him for giving me a lot of nice memories. Thanking him enduring my horrible temper. And when thing don go I am having bad gastric. I will see a doc later. Most likely not going work. my way I blame him. But actually I know is me who is not good enough for him. Thanking him for all the things he has done for me. Thanking him for all the support he gave. Thanking him for making feel like I am a princess/ baby. Although for a short period of time but I am contended. I shouldn't be selfish. I should let him go. To let him go find what he wants. (hopefully one day he will find the chance to read this, even if he dont get to read I guess is ok becos is fated becos by then he has move on with life)
Although I really wan to tell everyone tat to be who I am now is not what I choose to be but force to be. I do wan to text him all my heartfelt thoughts but I am just so scare of the reply. At the end of it I have to admit tat I am a coward. I always laugh myself secretly why am I such a coward and yet try to be strong. When people have their problem I am still there for them and yet when I have mine I keep it to myself. Though I alway tell people they gave the right to be happy and when they tell me the same, I guess my heartfelt answer to them is I have no right to be happy since the day I am born. Isnt it true?! Much as I don wan to admit but everything have spell out for me.

Brunch is crazy today..Customer Fighting over tv race. Seriously got problem. End up spraining my back. First instinct was freeze at the moment. Really tired been a while since I met with this kind of crowd. Unreasonable customer.... Erk... But at least I scream at someone I don like who ask him to step on my toe after I was scream by so many customer and hurting myself today, keep pucking due to my gastric problem. Already wan to faint Liao still wan to make things difficult for us. Really pisses people off. Not gonna bother since moving on to new place to work. Thou everything not confirm yet but I think I really have enough. With all the constant attitude I am been given and been suffering in silence for so long. I just blew up. Thou I spoke very fast but I am very sure he knows I am referring to him..... and what I am scolding. Thinking of it just make me feel a bit of the happiness.. Thou I know he would sure complain... Complain whoever I also don care.... At least something consider happy after so many unpleasant things happen on me.. Bleh...

I think past night would have been shit without him. Thank god he send me home from zouk. Was so damm drunk. Wanted to look for gene at TMM but when I think that I will see sjb it just turn me off. So end up at zouk drinking. Maybe becos there will be a lot of people there. So much people that I will at least not feel alone.but the after effect sucks. Gonna go pasir ris my colleague house. One the place I don wan to go. Is really Xian. But I can't say no. Hai.. Why are they doing all these to me. If I don go I think they will kill me on Monday. Gonna drink tonight at least this is what she promised me, stand by drinks for us... Hmm will be interesting.